“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.”
~Christopher Germer
Shame and a sense of unworthiness prevent many of us from consistently nurturing ourselves, which results in feeling chronically stressed and overwhelmed. Transforming our shame and unworthiness then becomes essential in cultivating more peace and joy in our lives. Empathy and self-compassion have the power to transform shame and unworthiness into kindness and self-acceptance.
So how do we cultivate self-compassion? To begin we bring a spirit of curiosity and non-judgment to our mistakes. Responding with self-compassion becomes a foundational part of transforming shame and unworthiness, and allows us to open to how we are feeling, to acknowledge and affirm our own experience and reminds us that we are doing the best that we can. When we respond with self-compassion we turn down the volume of our inner critic and begin the process of befriending ourselves.
I believe that choosing to respond to our selves with compassion is a transformational act of acceptance and love. When we are able to accept ourselves, challenges and all, we have the ability to live more honestly and authentically and with more peace.
Self-compassion also allows us to treat ourselves like our own best friend and remain open hearted and kind to ourselves even when we make mistakes or disappoint ourselves. Choosing self-compassion and self-acceptance recognizes that even when we make a mistake, we are not a mistake.
The wise Pema Chodron reminds us that, “Compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to. Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at.”
If you are wondering how compassionate you are to yourself, think about a time in the last week that you made a mistake. What did you say to yourself as a result? Did you find yourself responding with understanding and compassion or did you criticize and judge yourself? Did you speak to yourself the way you would speak to a dear friend?
Dr. Kristin Neff an expert on self-compassion wrote, “I have found in my research, that the biggest reason people aren’t self-compassionate is that they’re afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe that self-criticism is the way to keep them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
So what fuels your lack of self-compassion and self-acceptance?
For some we may believe as Dr. Neff said that we must criticize ourselves to keep ourselves in line or even to help us improve. Others may be treating ourselves as we were treated when we made mistakes as children. Or we may think we don’t deserve to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion since if we are not perfect than we are not worthy.
Regardless of what fuels our difficulty responding to ourselves with compassion, we can begin the process of learning to be compassionate by becoming aware of how we treat ourselves. With this knowledge and awareness we can then make more intentional choices. When we choose to befriend ourselves and respond with self-compassion, we can more gently approach our mistakes and see them as opportunities for growth and learning rather than an indictment of our unworthiness. Indeed that kinder, and more gentle approach is how we love ourselves with compassion.
Befriending ourselves by embracing self-compassion will open us to the infinite possibilities of truly knowing ourselves, and being engaged in our lives with a wide-open heart! Cultivating compassion for our selves will deepen our self-nurturing practice and even create new patterns in our brains.
And as Christopher Germer writes, “a moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
May you choose to cultivate self-compassion and treat yourself like your own best friend and may you nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you so much peace, love and gratitude,
Kelley Grimes, M.S.W.
Counselor, Author & Speaker
Sign up to receive daily reminders with our mobile app!
This is special Kelley- self-compassion is paramount to loving oneself and I see so many without it xxoo
Thank you so much Suzie! I love that you used the word “paramount” in relationship to self-compassion and loving ourselves. They have a beautiful symbiotic relationship for sure!
I used to believe, I had to be hard on myself to achieve. I love that question; How do you treat yourself after you make a mistake. This is very telling. Today, I have found through empathy and self-compassion that when I am more gentle and in the flow, I accomplish more. Thanks Kelley for sharing these thoughts about compassion. xx
I so appreciate your insights Lisa and recognition that you used to believe that you had to be hard on yourself to achieve and yet you realize how much more you accomplish when you treat yourself with empathy and self-compassion. I am so grateful that you shared your experience! Thank you!
For many years, I worked with families impacted by addiction and violence. Compassion for self (aka the belief that “I’m not required to suffer”) was an enormous obstacle to healing. Thanks for another good post.
Shame is such a powerful force for people who have been traumatized and feeds the belief that we should suffer. Self-compassion is revolutionary for many of us and yet a profound healing salve if we will allow it in. Thank you for sharing your experience Andrea! I am grateful!
Lovely reminders of how to truly be our own best friend.
Thanks Kelly!
Thank you so much Kimberly! Imagine if we all treated ourselves like our own best friends we could easily nurture peace in the world!
Such a huge struggle, especially for women. I often ask them if their daughter said the same things about themself, how would they feel? Yet, we often cannot give ourselves the same grace. Very nice post.
I love the question you ask women! Indeed if we treated ourselves like a dear friend we would be able to respond with compassion and give ourselves grace. That is the revolutionary power of self-nurturing and I am so grateful for your comment Sherry!
This post is full of so much inspiring wisdom, Kelley. I too believe that self-compassion is the best gift we can give ourselves. Love: just because we make a mistake, doesn’t mean we are one.
Self-compassion is a fabulous gift we give ourselves and everyone we encounter since it ripples out in the form of love, patience and compassion for others. Thank you so much for your comment Lea!
When we accept ourselves just as we are, with all that we are, then there are no mistakes, just choices with different outcomes and the ability to course correct in every minute.
Yes Barb – there are no mistakes just choices with different outcomes and the ability to make new choices at any moment! Beautiful insight and a much more empowering perspective than believing we are a mistake. Thank you so much for sharing your comment!
Self love and self compassion are so important. When it comes from the inside it does stretch to the outside world. Thank you for writing such and insightful post.
I love how you said that Heather – “when is comes from the inside it does stretch to the outside world.” Once we understand that it is easier to commit to nurturing ourselves and love ourselves with compassion. Thank you so much!
We are taught at an early age to care for the well-being of others before taking care of our own needs. A large number of individuals spend a lifetime nurturing the fear of appearing selfish, caring too much of what others think and witnessing the generations before us selflessly tend to the needs of everyone else. Once a person realizes they truly cannot help others until they are compassionate and no longer sacrifice their energy, that’s when the transition of self-neglect shifts to Self-Love (or in regards to the article Self-Compassion).
Thank you for the beautiful reminder, Kelley!
I totally agree and know personally how essential self-compassion is in the process of transforming these limiting beliefs and thoughts. When we do fully accept that we cannot nurture others without nurturing ourselves first, we can then transform our habit of self-neglect to one of self-compassion, self-love and self-nurturing. Thank you so much for your comment!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your next write ups thanks once again.