“Transformation is often more about unlearning than it is about learning.”
~Richard Rohr
I feel so blessed to have shared time with the most remarkable women last weekend for my self-nurturing workshop “How to Care for Yourself Without Feeling Guilty or Selfish” at a Women’s Retreat in the mountains. I was so impressed by the honesty, insight and authenticity shared by these amazing women, as well as their deep wisdom and vulnerability.
During the workshop we explored the obstacles to caring for ourselves, including feeling guilty or selfish. When we looked deeper, we realized that there are many messages we give ourselves, which feed our guilt and the belief that it is selfish to take time for ourselves.
The most common reasons we feel guilty or selfish include feeling unworthy or inadequate, feeling responsible for caring for everyone else before our own needs, having limited time and so many other things to prioritize before ourselves, thinking there is something wrong with us because it seems like everyone else has this figured out, and believing that we are not deserving. These feelings and beliefs limit our ability to care for ourselves fundamentally and lead to negative and judgmental messages we give ourselves.
Over time these negative messages reinforce our habit of self-neglect and result in our chronic overwhelm, exhaustion and experience of being on the hamster wheel of life.
So how can we unlearn this habit of self-neglect?
What messages are we currently telling ourselves that stop us from nurturing ourselves?
How can we transform those messages with kindness and compassion and give ourselves permission to nurture ourselves?
This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day in the United States. Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to celebrate the power of nurturing and transform the outdated model of the self-sacrificing mother who is exhausted, overwhelmed and resentful into the nurtured mom who is rejuvenated and filled with peace and joy. Let’s encourage ourselves and each other to prioritize self-nurturing, unlearn the habit of self-neglect and recognize the positive impacts on ourselves and all of our relationships.
In the wise words of Jean Shinoda Bolen, “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
May we honor Mother’s Day this year by prioritizing self-nurturing and may we continue to nurture peace in the world from the inside out!
Sending you so much peace, love and gratitude,
Kelley Grimes, M.S.W.
Counselor, Author & Speaker
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Such a timely message for all women and young girls, Kelley! Happy to have a peek into your mountain workshop and it’s insightful successes. A big BRAVA!
Likewise, I was sharing similar messages with women as my Treasure Island Beach Writer’s Retreat. The topic of self-nurturing and sacred self-care was a constant thread. Without it, many felt paralyzed to share their word wisdom through writing much less sharing it with anyone. The week was about writing complimented with several activities that allowed them to experience what YOU so beautifully described here as essential.
P.S. I’m now fearlessly planning my next writing retreat for late October. How about you? When is your next workshop?
Thank you so much Lore! I love hearing that self-nurturing and sacred self-care was the thread that ran through your Writer’s Retreat. I would love to hear more about it and about your next writing retreat! I was invited by a few of the women to lead my workshop in their communities, so I hope to schedule more workshops in the upcoming months. Thank you so much for your comment!
Sounds like a wonderful weekend. Self care is so important it also means we are valuing ourself xxx
It was a lovely, nourishing weekend for sure Suzie! I totally agree that self-care is a demonstration that we value ourselves and I have found that the more we nurture ourselves, the more we love and value ourselves. The more we love and value ourselves, the more we prioritize nurturing ourselves and the cycle is self-fulfilling! Thank you so much!
Sounds like a wonderful retreat. I’m visiting my mother and one of yesterday’s topics of conversation was all the things we have been “un-learning” in the past few years. Thanks for the post… and for the picture of the lilacs. I really miss them.
I love that you and your mom have been discussing what you both have been “un-learning”. I would love to hear more. The retreat was truly wonderful and that lilac bush smelled amazing and was a beautiful reminder of our process of growth and unfolding. We only have lilacs at higher altitudes in California so it was a real treat to see. We had them everywhere when I lived in Boulder, Colorado twenty years ago and I miss them too. Thank you so much for your comment Andrea!
Perfect Divine timing for me. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom. It isn’t about being selfish; it is more about centering of Self. Xoxo
I totally agree Natasha it is not about being selfish, but about centering the Self! This is such an important unlearning for sure as we embrace all of who we are in this world of uncertainty and challenges. When we are connected to our truth and authentic self, we are much better prepared to show up fully, with compassion and love. Thank you so much!
Your opening quote, ““Transformation is often more about unlearning than it is about learning.” by Richard Rohr, really says so much, doesn’t it? This week seems to be continuing the powerful theme of letting go. Thank you, Kelley.
That quote really spoke to me too Reba. There are so many unsupportive thoughts and beliefs we have learned that stop us from nurturing ourselves. Continually letting go of what no longer serves us seems an essential part of this process of loving and caring for ourselves. I am grateful to do this work in community so we can all be reminded that we are not alone in the process. Thank you so much for your comment!
So wholeheartedly agree. Most all of the way we live is about unlearning beliefs which dictate our behavior. Self love and retraining what you believe about how we believe selflessness is love. As I always say, we live have-to/supposed-to lives.
Thank you so much Ruthie! Unlearning our “have to” mindset and transforming it to “choose to” is such an act of self-love and self-nurturing and definitely requires practice. I really appreciate your comment!
That is so true Kelley, I see it in my own life and in my practice, we women have such a resistance to prioritize us. Thank you for that important reminder.
Thank you so much Rachel! I appreciate you pointing out our resistance to prioritizing ourselves, which definitely comes from what we have learned is expected. I love the possibility of unlearning those limiting beliefs and opening to a whole new way of being with ourselves.
Self-neglect is a powerful phrase for me. I don’t neglect others or my daughter, but I can definitely do it to myself quite easily.
It is amazing that we would never treat others or our loved ones the way we treat ourselves. I love the opportunity to unlearn the habit of self-neglect and start to nurture and love ourselves like we are our own best friends. I really appreciate your comment DB!
Such an important reminder. <3
Thank you so much Carina!
I wish I could go back in time and teach these beliefs to my mother and the other mothers of her time. How much easier and more beautiful their lives would have been. We are so lucky to know what we know now. It just remains to use what we have learned.
I do too Barb! So many generations of mothers have cared for everyone except themselves and then taught this habit of self-neglect to their daughters. I love that we are transforming that paradigm and giving ourselves and other women permission to nurture themselves. I agree that we are fortunate to know what we know and I embrace the power to live into that potential! May we continue to unlearn what does not serve us and create a habit of self-love, self-compassion and self-nurturing instead.Thank you so much for your comment!
This beautiful article came to me on just the day I was trying to turn “selfish” into SELF care. Thanks for clarifying the message for me and many others! xo
Linda thank you so much! I love that you read this just when you needed it and I hope it will continue to reinforce how essential it is for us to nurture and care deeply for ourselves.
Love this reminder Kelley! Need this today.
xoxo, Z~
So glad it was helpful Zeenat! Thank you so much!