Nurturing Our Grieving Hearts

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

~Mitch Album

I remember finding that quote so comforting when my father died nineteen years ago this month. In those early days of grieving his loss, I regularly reminded myself that death had not ended my relationship with him, even though he was no longer physically here. I spent hours in conversation with my dad and visited his grave often to feel connected to him. I have written many tributes to my father over the years, sharing the lessons I learned from him and his death and am so deeply grateful to see his legacy continue to ripple through the multiple generations of my family.

Recently I found myself sharing that inspiring quote with my mom, who is grieving the death of another husband. A few weeks ago, we took her husband to the emergency room and within ten days he had died. I cannot begin to describe the shock and overwhelm of witnessing his sudden decline and supporting my grieving mother through the process.

When it was decided that her husband was going into hospice care, I had an amazing realization that these bodies are just on loan to us and that all we take with us in the end is love. As a result, I found myself on a mission to let Roger know just how loved he was during his transition. It was extremely painful to witness his suffering, but profoundly comforting to know that sharing our love with him during his dying process was healing for all of us.

I agree with Kate O’Neill, “Love doesn’t die with death. Love is like liquid; when it pours out, it seeps into others’ lives. Love changes form and shape. Love gets into everything. Death doesn’t conquer all; love does. Love wins every single time. Love wins by lasting through death. Love wins by loving more, loving again, loving without fear.”

Sometimes when we are grieving our hearts feel broken and all we can connect with is the pain. But in our broken heartedness resides our profound love, because without the love we would not feel the loss so deeply. Watching my mother grieve the death of another partner she loved so dearly is remarkably difficult until I remind myself of the blessing that she loved and was loved by two amazing men.

Both men wrote her beautiful love letters and consistently communicated how much they loved her. After my dad died, my mom lived on her own for ten years traveling, working, and engaging courageously in life. Then she met Roger and they fell in love and married at 75. Their love was inspiring, reminding us that it is never too late to fall in love. Now she grieves his loss so deeply because she loved so deeply. Although the pain is profound, I believe that the power of love is stronger.

If love is all we take with us then I ask you today how will love be your guide? How will you embody love and spread it everywhere you go? How will love be your inspiring legacy?

In my times of grieving it helps me to remember that, “It is the capacity to feel consuming grief and pain and despair that also allows me to embrace love and joy and beauty with my whole heart. I must let it all in.” Anna White

May we nurture our grieving hearts by allowing love to be our guide and continue to nurture peace in the world from the inside out.